| The Summer Movie Preview |
5/10/2005 |
by Tom
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Still from "Thumb Wars: Revenge of the Cuticle"
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FHR is the only entertainment publication that bothers to take the time to give an in-depth look at all the HOTTEST summer movies coming your way. However, I realized that there's a shitload of movies coming out this summer and I'm far too busy with my "7th Heaven Dedication Site" webmastering job to write about them all. Thus, here are the most noteworthy films...
House of Wax - Don't be fooled by the ads! This is NOT a horror film. Rather, it's an educational and at times provacutive look inside the home base of The Yankee Candle Company, located in Deerfield, Massachusetts. This documentary is hosted by Paris Hilton and (sadly) at no point during this film is she murdered, as previously reported. Though at one point, she confusedly attempts to guzzle down one of their new Apple Martini candles (Now on sale! Two for $12.95!) and has to have her stomach pumped in the Yankee Candle infirmary.
The Honeymooners - Unlike the jovial and yuk filled television classic, this update is a dark and depressing look at the lives of two married couples, as they lie, commit marital infidelities, and finally resort to spousal abuse. Think "What's Love Got to Do with It" meets "We Don't Live Here Anymore." I'm clueless as to why the filmmakers took the heavy dramatic route and not stay somewhat faithful to the goodnatured 1950s TV show? It seems like a big mistake, but I'd be lying if I said I had no interest in seeing Cedric the Entertainer show off his dramatic chops. Do I smell an "Oscar Sandwich"?
Herbie: Fully Loaded - This feel good family comedy takes a shocking turn halfway through when a bunch of hillbilly pick-ups take turns sodomizing Herbie. Guess they don't call him the "Love Bug" for nothing! Herbie is forever changed and goes through the rest of the movie in a deep depression, finally taking his own life as he allows star Lindsay Lohan to strip him of his parts and have them sold to the Volkswagon factory.
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo - This second entry in the "Deuce Bigalow" series acts as a bridge to the concluding third movie, much like "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers." In fact, J.R. Tolken's son, A.J., wrote the original "Deuce Bigalow" trilogy of books, so if this one is as faithful as the first "Deuce" we should be in for another epic feat of storytelling magic. In this installment, Sir Ian McKellen costars as Robert Schneider's man-whore pimp. (And in case you were wondering, production has already started on the final "Deuce" film: "Deuce Bigalow: Antarctic Gigalo.")
Well, those are the only good movies I can think of opening this summer. Oh yeah, I think Steve Oedekerk has a new "Thumb Wars" movie out, too. I love those talkin' thumbs!
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