| The Hulk |
6/21/2003 |
by Tommer
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Hulkamania will run wild in the multiplexes!
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In our times of struggle and strife and monkey pox, it's nice to know that I can always count on pulse pounding blockbuster comic book movies. From the classics like "Blankman" and "Steel" to the more contemporary masterpieces such as "The Meteor Man" and "Blues Brothers 2000," comic book movies serve up a hearty slice of down home Americana with a good ol' dollup of patriotism cream! This brings us to "The Hulk," a new movie directed by Spike Lee about the rags to riches story of wrestler/actor/bandana afficionado Hulk Hogan. Speaking as a Practicing Hulkster (with a BA in Hulkamania from Awesome College), when I heard the news of a Hulk Hogan bio-pic I nearly took a dump on my computer keyboard! To prepare myself for viewing the movie, I vowed to strictly follow the Five Commandments of Hulkamania: 1) Train 2) Say your Prayers 3) Eat your Vitamins 4) Believe in Yourself 5) And believe in the Power of Hulkamania
I could never remember what I order I was supposed to perform the commandments (or exactly what I was supposed to train for), so I often did them all at once. Hopefully, Baby Jesus didn't take offense when I was talking to him with a mouthful of Flintstones Chewables. Anywho, I don't know about the movie, but the trailer is phenomenal! They've taken a few liberties with Mr. Hogan's appearance, notably the absence of his yellow "Hulk Rules" tank top and handle bar mustache, but it looks like it's a dead-on no holds barred take on his life. It probably starts out with little Hogan being born while his (eventual) wrestling theme song "I Am a Real American" blares across the soundtrack and then moves on to his first couple street WWF matches, all the way up to his crowning wrestling achievement of body slamming Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania III. From there the film probably moves onto Hogan's towering film career, starting with "Rocky III" with his poignant role as Thunderlips and peaking with "Suburban Commando" for which he earned a Golden Globe. Along the way, Hogan befell the biggest tragedy of his life: Earthquake sat on him, crushing his sternum and several ribs. (There's a rumor that funnyman Tim Conway of "Dorf on Golf" fame plays Earthquake. This has gotten my panties in a wad because Conway, while indeed HI-larious!, is much too short and thin to play the behemoth wrestler. Hopefully, make-up FX wunderkid Rick Baker lent a hand and added the girth and facial hair needed for the role.) So don't be a retarded HULK of a man and go out and tell someone you've seen it!
P.S. - Write to your Hollywood senators and urge them to greenlight my screenplay entitled "Hacksaw Jim Duggan: A 2x4 Life."
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