| Mountain Criminal Saves Day |
9/24/2003 |
by Jon
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Even Mountain Criminals need their down time
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A Citizens bank was robbed at gunpoint in Tuscany, Illinois on Tuesday. The robbery would of gone smoothly if not for the most unlikely of heroes.
Leonard Darx walked into Citizens bank on Tuesday around 12:35 p.m. He walked up to the counter and took off his jacket; on his bare chest he had written the words MONEY NOW and a picture of a dollar bill. After a few minutes of mass confusion the bank tellers began loading money into the brown paper bag Mr. Darx kindly lent them. While shoveling money into the bag they managed to slip in an explodable device containing blue paint that would detonate and ruin the money moments after the robber left the building. But this device would not be needed. As the robber was exiting the premises, a mountain criminal who only identified himself as a “rolling ball of phenomenal” leaped from behind a desk and walloped the man with his sack of “crime booty” that he intended to deposit that day. Mr. Darx collapsed to the floor and broke his jaw and wrist during the struggle. When he hit the ground the moneybag fell out of his hands and the blue paint device rolled out and exploded in the lap of a dying little girl.
Many people have never heard of our heroes particular brand of crime, he is a mountain criminal. A person dedicated to the art of committing crime only while on mountains. Obviously, it is not the most profitable of crime syndicates. Mountain Criminals main targets seem to be mostly lost hikers or stoners off on an amazing high. Often these people have little to no valuables on them. This fact was proven to be correct when the contents of our hero’s booty sack were investigated. In it were a few dollar bills, shoe laces, a broken Nalgene bottle, and a half torn picture of a chocolate cake. Along with a dozen rocks, a brick, and he managed to defecate in the bag too.
“Yeah it was a big deposit, but business has been good on the mountain. Very good” said our hero after the police questioned him about his efforts. Illinois has one of the biggest populations of mountain criminals in the U.S. However, few of these criminals are ever punished because the offenses are often too simple and pathetic. Whenever police do take the extra effort to pursue a mountain criminal they always retreat up the mountain. After a while of climbing the officers usually realize they really don’t give a rat’s ass.
The police have decided not to press charges against the mountain criminal, but in exchange they will not be giving him any kind of ceremony or special certification of his heroism. This includes no key to the city and no ceremonial Mcflurry ice cream treat. For now, our hero intends to head back to the mountain and back to harassing nature enthusiasts and hippies. But don’t worry kids, you won’t get robbed as long as you’re not on a mountain, because that is the Mountain criminals code and motto; “No person on Flat land. Shall ever fear of being stabbed.”
Sleep well my friends.
Barbara B.
Federal Press News
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