| Do you want progress? I hope so. |
10/1/2003 |
by Jon
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Soon the tables will turn
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My Fellow New England patrons,
Wow, can you believe it?! Election Day is just a hop, trip, and a jump away from us. As we get closer I can’t help but get excited. My notoriety is on the roof and now my posting sections have been moved one bit closer to the top of the website, soon I will take The head title and then onto the URL where anything can happen. I can only assume this section made the jump because New Englanders like you love cocks like me. I am one of you; you want me closer to your hearts. I understand, and I am here to tell you to keep believing in me, keep sending me my letters and pictures, I need their power to push me on to win and become MASTER OF NEW ENGLAND!!!(Said the way He-man exclaims he obtains power.)
I have tackled the issues that you care about, things that our country needs to fight for. My child collar and leash system has prevented millions of horrible New England Kidnappings. Fining the owners of pets with stupid names has brought in millions of dollars in revenue. But my new ideas will not stop there. That is why, Next Tuesday, behind the Arby’s In Danbury Connecticut, I will be holding a press conference to share my new ideas that will predicate New England’s dominance over America and then the world. I plan to present a law forbidding any person to have a last name that could equally be a first name. This would finally kill Keith Richards and Sean Paul. I plan to Blow up North Dakota, there then giving South Dakota the attention they finally deserve. Then, after we believe they have had enough, blow them up. Dakota is a stupid name anyway. Next, I believe we should hire scientists to invent a way for us all to have speed marks follow us when we take off running particularly fast, or even a cloud of smoke when someone has an incredible first start. Next, I have manipulated my budget so that we can finally create a chocolate car. I even believe that if properly trained, bears can have the ability to make us sandwiches, increasing New England’s Irony ten percent.
This is only the beginning. There are more hopes and more dreams in this land that you can imagine. I hope to see you all there at Arby’s next week to share with me the dawn to a new Mastery of New England, and aroast beef sandwich. Why?
Cause if you like to hold progress, then ya gotta hold the cock!
Sincerely,
Leacock Phinnibee III
lol
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