| Got time for a column? |
10/7/2003 |
by Jon
With Bush in office everyone complains that these past years have been the downfall of America. I disagree. To think that this mess could of accumulated over the past three years is ridiculous. Our downfall has been caused by a series of events occurring long before Bush ever sold his first rock of cocaine to a curious teenage prostitute. I did a little research and put together a timeline of events that I believe had a major impact on our current status.
One problem, I don’t know how to make a time line on a computer, so I instead created a Time Column. Just read north to south my friend, you’ll catch on.
1987 b.c. God gets disgusted watching Adam play basketball naked in the Garden of Eden. He kicks him and Eve out.
560 b.c.Every Greek philosopher, including sophists Plato and Socrates, finally realized they look shitty with white curly beards. When they shave everyone stops thinking their “fruity” and they all dedicate their lives to becoming fierce alcoholics. Socrates would later move on and start up a musical quartet; Crash Test Dummies.
0 b.c/a.d. Some guy named Todd swears today would be a great day to start counting forwards instead of backwards. Todd was burned alive but everyone decided to use his idea anyway.
1492 a.d. Columbus stumbles upon a hidden island of warriors secretly being trained to fight space monsters. He dubs them “Indians” and steals their corn.
1898 a.d. Thomas Edison Jr., sick of living under his fathers shadow, invents some new hilarious words. Many were lost as our language evolved but “poop” and “boobies” are still widely known.
1993 a.d. Spice Girls release self titled debut album.
2001 a.d. Facts of Life reunion tour is given the go-ahead.
2004 a.d. POOP!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.boobies.
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