| ENSURE YOUR SURVIVAL!!!!!! |
10/22/2003 |
by Jon
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Pamela's going to survive. Will you?
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Winter is coming my friends and with winter, comes danger! Snowflakes kill 9 out of every ten people they touch. They especially prefer to devour small children. As an ongoing condition of my parole I would like to offer you, and the strange people that live in your house, tips to deal with some intense situations you might encounter.
Fire Your best bet is to close the door and wait it out. Eventually the fire will go away. For fires like best not to be bothered. Indeed, most accidents happen when the fire has been taunted or made fun of.
Bear Attack Face it head on. Showing fear will make the bear feel over confident and provoke him to make smirking remarks or attempt to poo on your face. Plus, it’s much easier to play dead when you are dead. At least you’re earning it.
Blizzard Blizzards can be the worst of winter occurrences, mainly because they keep you inside with your rat ass family. If you’re plum cleaned out of ecstasy, I suggest you put on a play. You can write your own, or purchase one of my fine off off-Broadway manuscripts. My new play , 1001 faces of George Clooney, was just finished.
Car Accident Don’t worry! Calm down. No matter what the crash involved, stay focused and remember, IT WAS THEIR FAULT! If that doesn’t fly, either the car you hit was parked or you attacked it with you bear hands, then claim you were too busy beating your child to pay attention to the road. Most cops understand, especially the lady officers.
Power Failure This is critical. If your body goes to long without electricity, your lungs cave in and your brain hemorrhage's. The key to survival is to only breath in every 45 seconds, this will save your air. Then while your waiting for power to be restored draw pictures of you hugging televisions and tucking in a toaster. You gotta remember your roots man.
This is just the tip of the Iceberg. Practicing constant vigilance is the only way to ensure your survival through the winter. Remember to always carry a weapon and discharge it at the first sign of danger. If no danger approaches, make sure to at least fire your gun randomly into the air at least 5-7 times a day, This will keep the gun fresh, and warn old man winter that you still mean business.
Take heed, and take care
d.a.
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