| On the next episode of |
12/11/2003 |
by Jon
Get ready TV-fans, because next week you're going to get a treat. Some of Americas most beloved programs get turned inside and out as major climatic changes explode onto your screen. Put on your shock and awe shirts because on the next episode of…
The Bachlorette: Young Miss heartthrob comes to terms with the fact that she don’t like any of the dorks put on the plate in front of her. She dumps all her would be suitors and marries a television. Not just any television however, one of those fancy wide flat screens with picture and picture. Unlike any of her human companions this one comes with free satellite hook-up for a year and no interest for six months. AND IT LASTS ALLLLLLLLLLL NIIIIIIIGHT LONGGGGGGG!!!!
Smallville: Clark Kent visits the smallville fertility clinic and finds out with each super power he gains his sperm count plummets. Unable to accept his destiny he undergoes an operation to have all of his superpowers removed. The operation is a success and he moves to New Jersey. He spends the rest of the season drinking beer editing smut magazines.
The O.C.: Deliciously cute and wacky Seth has everyone up in arms when he brings home the latest edition to the county. A robot Dog named Samuel. After a Christmas dinner no one will forget, (Samuel tries to hump the turkey, thinking it’s a fellow robot animal). Marissa chips a nail and decides to return to full blown alcoholism. Samuel finds her alone drinking in the closet and after some belly shots he talks about his days as a robotic coke mule. Intense flirting ensues and he teaches her how to make PCP out of baby formula. But everyone learns their lesson when Luke is shot to death by Cuban Drug lords.
C.S.I: A massive massacre at a library has our favorite gumshoes stumped as they try to find the mass-murderer Neila who’s claimed the lives of 34 librarians. After 55 minutes of empty alleyways and dark corridors, to rub in the fact that he is still at large; Neila sends in a tape taunting Gil and the rest of the C.S.I. team telling them he won’t stop until every librarian on the planet is dead. Everyone smashes their coffee mugs in unison accept Jim who’s coffee mug bounces off the ceiling and hits the rewind button on the tape player, they listen and realize Neila is just Alien backwards. They then get in the C.S.I. space cruiser and head off the ship. Gil sneaks on the alien spacecraft and ironically uses his library card to pick the lock into the self-destruction room. He kills five aliens and presses the self-destruct button on their ship. He then uses the five alien corpses as a space vessel to get back to his own cruiser before the ship blows up.
Everybody Loves Raymond: Raymond invites his son on a fishing trip but is refused. After accepting the fact that Billy would rather do those weird experiments in his room than spend time with his dad, Raymond goes on the fishing trip alone. While fishing in the lake he’s struck by a drunken boater. He survives the crash but becomes severely retarded. No longer able to wipe himself or make comical quips, his family is forced to see if they really love Raymond, or just kinda like him. They decide that the most humane thing to do is put Raymond to sleep. Just as they’re about to insert the kill serum into Raymond’s body. Billy comes down the stairs shouting not to kill Dad. It ends up that during his crazy experiments Billy created an un-retard pill that could bring back Raymond with no side effects. They give him the pill (rectally) and after a few minutes of seizuring he awakens with a comical antidote about how heaven is great but the pies taste horrible.
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