| Gary The Asshole Unicorn: A Poem |
7/24/2005 |
by Jon
Being a boy of just small tender age
Trying and hoping to find my own way
No friends do I see or girls do I touch
I hope for a friend but hold no hope for such
Peers yell and poke, each time fresh new taunts
They hand me out wedgies and say I'm a gay astronaut
And me just a pea with no way to defend
if only a companion, if only a friend
Then late one night as fresh sleep started to snow
I heard a clop on the porch and a ring down below
I snuck down the steps and let open the door
There bright as the sun, stood a tall unicorn
He asked to come in and I granted him so
His horn sparkling silver, his mane white as snow
He then turned on his hooves and leaned down to my ear
He nudged at my cheek and said "Feel no fear."
"For my name is Gary, a strong unicorn
From the forest I came, over mountain and shore
I have heard your cries and pleas for control
For I am not just a unicorn but a complete asshole
I'll make fun of their mothers and say their fathers are cheating
I'll steal someones baby and mail it to FIJI
I'll grope and I'll choke and if forced I can stab
I'll light a fire on their doorstep after I poop in a bag
I'll fart at a funeral and steal all your stamps
I'll get drunk and pass out at a bible church camp
I've stung childless mothers and sold coke for thug money
I ate a village of leprechauns case I thought id be funny
So no more tears shall your small face endure
lets bend these pricks over and bang them like whores"
So the next day at school when the bullies started to pry
Gary sprang into action and stabbed one through the eye
He kicked a girls arm off and sprayed the wound with his mace
He bit Tommy's sac off and spit it back in his face
He brought them all down with his teeth and karate
He snapped Leon's neck off and then pooped on the body
The school ran in terror as the unicorn charged
His tail snapped a neck as he spit throwing stars
When the battle was over the field lay bloody and silent
There stood Gary and I, strong and defiant
Then Gary walked away and disappeared in the mist
"Just call on me again, the next time you get pissed."
So I walked back home to my bed nice and warm.
Just thoughts of mass death and my asshole unicorn
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