| Raptors in New Hampshire? |
9/26/2005 |
by Jon
|
An artists' rendition of what surrounding state's citizens are in for.
|
September 26th, 2005
B. Buttstallion
Associated Press
Crack open those history books and find those museum 2 for 1 passes New Hampshire, you’re about to get a pre-historic dose of cool.
In an effort to create a more hip and cutting edge atmosphere in the granite coral, State officials, wildlife experts, and Michael Crichton are all joining in an effort to release 372 Velociraptors throughout the New Hampshire countryside.
"It's time to spice it up a little bit, what better way than a whole bunch of cool dinosaurs?!" That was what Mayor John Lynch said to reporters on Monday afternoon when he revealed his plans which would cost the state around 500 million dollars, roughly 1.5 million per raptor. When asked how the state plans to fund this operation, the mayor seemed quite relaxed.
"This is why we put in easy pass at the toll booths, this is why we cut biology in our schools, this is why our cigarettes and cheese costs twelve cents more than Maine’s and Massachusetts."
Besides outlining the costs of this program to the public, he explained the plan on how the raptors will be released into our woodlands.
According to Mayor Lynch, a 30,000 volt cable will be buried 10 feet deep around the entire state and each raptor will have a titanium collar fastened around his or her neck. If one of the dinos were to attempt to leave New Hampshire, the effect would be quite similar to that of an electric dog fence, in that the animal would receive a devastating shock until it returned home. According to officials, this will keep "Any other state from stealing our thunder."
This is a big move for a state whose only mascot was a jagged rock on the side of a hill that resembled a man. The "Old Man on the Mountain" was destroyed in the fall of 2000 by terrorists disguised as nature. "It was a great tragedy that day and now we can finally have our dignity back." spoke Roy Losman of Gorman, NH, who sportingly, is issuing a petition to change the State's license plate motto from "Live Free or Die" to "Awesome Raptor Town". "It's what we are now, not an old man being free, but a town of raptors, being awesome."
Concerned citizens brought up the issue of death, as the Raptor is known as one of the most ferocious animals in earths history. Suzanne McMarsh of Swampscott had a strong opinion on the issue. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WE DOING? RAPTORS? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE."
Unfortunately for Ms. McMarsh, the majority of the state does not share her opinion. "I think this will be an incredible boost in our states moral and an even more tremendous drop in tourism, and thank God for that. We don't want you in our state, we don't need you in our state, and now we will have 7 foot 300 pound flesh rippers that will show just how much we mean that." Said 26 year old Victoria Sahl. Her sister Beth, mother of 4, had some encouraging words for the governor and other state officials heading up the project.
"Keep going guys, I think it will make the state much more hip and on track with the current time, the money this could generate for our schools would be enumerable." When questioned about the fact that her kids could be eaten alive on the way to school, she responded quite cheerily. "Come now, we all know that raptors like retarded children more, there flesh is much more sweet and delicious, my children aren't retarded and therefore safe."
The Raptors are scheduled to be released all at once on May 16th, 2006.
|
 |
 |
