| Write or Wrong? |
7/31/2006 |
by Jon
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Unfortunately no one can be told what a Panda is. I have to show you.
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Well, my brothers and sisters, shit has hit the fan for your good pal Jonny W. The dating experiment was a bust; apparently no one likes fat guys. Who knew? The girl I did like ended up choosing a 38-year-old ex-Navy Seal who has a five-year-old kid. I tell ya friends; nothing fucking humbles you more than being told that on a doorstep with flowers in one hand and poem about how beautiful you think someone is in the other. Ehhh, fuck it though, there’s somebody out there for Jonny, and when they finish their prison sentence, I am going jump all over that shit. Until then, however, it’s time I concentrate on other things; career, health, money, acquiring minions, you know the stuff that really matters in the end. This week I have decided that I will become a writer. I started reading that story Eragon by some sixteen year old. I got halfway through it before I realized it absolutely blew ass. But I figure mathematically that if this dude was 16 and I read half his book, then if I was a 32 year old author then someone should read the entirety of one of my books. Since I am only 25 I guess I will have to leave the other 7 years to luck, which is ironic because that is the same amount of years you lose to bad luck if you break a mirror, or is it walk under a ladder, or maybe it’s killing a duck. Who the fuck knows?
So now the ideas! If I want to be a writer I have to come up with some tit fuckingly awesome stories. So here, I offer to you a few of my potential best sellers. With these beginnings, it is only a matter of time before I am known with the greats; Stephen King, Michael Crichton, Judy Blume, and of course James Frey.
Ronald: A heart erecting tale of a boy who suffers from Leukemia and must spend all his days in the hospital. But it is here where he helps an orphaned girl find the love in the world after she is devastated by her fathers’ murder of her mother and his attempt to kill her. Together they laugh, cry, pull pranks on the hospital staff and find a hope in one another they didn’t know existed, until the boy is brutally killed by a Panda Bear.
The Sun: After years of polluting our earth, humans need a new trash dump. Enter space and more specifically the sun. 10 Billion years later and humans are enjoying the great benefit of sun-destroyed trash. Our atmosphere is cleaner, our children healthier, and our salsa spicier. But there’s just one problem, you don’t want to piss off the sun! It has now reached Supernova a few years quicker than planned and the people have only one choice to save themselves from the sun. THEY MUST DESTROY IT! With a backdrop of Phil Collins’ song “No son of mine” constantly playing in the background the humans fight back to save their world. Eventually the sun explodes and all that remains is a group of reckless traveling Panda Bears.
Lollipoping Lucifer: A tale of two demons and there quest to break into heaven via a warp hole in the bottom of Hell. Demons Roland and Leviticus strive to end Lucifer’s reign of terror by instigating the war of all wars between Heaven and Hell. Leviticus realizes that souls are the power to all beings and that in order to gain enough power to over take the archangels and Satan himself, they must collect and use the qua-drillions of souls Hell has stored within itself. They are successful in their soul thieving but moments before entering Heaven are sent to Earth by God to live a sin-stripped life to earn their way into Heaven. Unfortunately for them the only beings left to be inhabited by souls are two retarded Panda Bears in a Chicago, Illinois zoo infirmary (they both have no legs).
The Way Home: A 12,000 page epic Novel Opus describing the fabled pre-historic war between the Panda Bear Army and Unicorn Brigade and their battle for dominance over the Earth. This version follows the story of Butania, a Unicorn Princess and her quest to enter the sorcerer kingdom of Guldiaphabiac to obtain the orb crystal of Pachtulon, an ancient weapon able to destroy the souls of their enemies and stop the siege they are laying upon the Unicorn Kingdom of Boobtown. Meanwhile the Panda Bear faction will stop at nothing until the mountain of Ductafaniaclilack is destroyed releasing an ancient purple dust that destroys all Unicorns upon it’s injection through the nostrils.
The Matrix with Pandas: This enthralling tale re-told line for line, shot for shot, karate chop for karate chop with….you guessed it, Mallards, I mean Pandas.
I think I have un-beatable line up here that should keep me busy through the year 2036 easy. Granted I don’t die or chop off my right hand in a freak paper-cutter incident.
Till next time my friends, include me in your prayers. You will all be in mine.
-Jonnny
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