| Turning Tides |
9/7/2006 |
by Jon
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Lord John Quail Richman, Mayor and owner of Gold Town.
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Wow, what a bone humpin summer my friends. I tell you, too many damn lessons crammed into only a few small months. Overall though? Amazing. I learned a fuck-ton what can I say? Between struggling with girls, weight, demons, ninjas, work, roommates, and that really messed up night in Vermont, at one point your old pal Jonny Double-U didn’t think fall would ever come. But of course it did, and man did I long for September skies.
I could go into detail about all the lessons I learned this summer but it would take forever and it would be kind of boring. Besides, aren’t those lessons for me and me only? So fuck off!
I’m sorry that was rude. Please fuck off. There that’s better.
Anywho, as a nightcap to the whole summer I met this girl, we’ll call her Ted. Now Ted’s real name is the same name as my ex-penis less friend so that messed with my head to begin with, but I digress.
I met this woman a couple weeks ago at a Home depot in the northern mountain tundra of New Hampshire. She seemed nice, she liked me, so hell I needed a date and she fit all the criteria. As an added bonus she had no cell phone, so her ability to call the police at a moments notice was hindered by her lack of technology, and that is A+ number 1 in Jonny’s book.
Our first date was on Sunday and we had a good time. It was raining, but we still ended up walking around, playing a lot of ski ball and had dinner at a nice foreign Mexican Restaurant. Pleasant by all accounts. However, this woman is super sweet, not the “I think you’re a cutie sweet.” The “I would save a dieing rich child on the edge of a waterfall while being attacked by dragons and would not ask for any compensation sweet” This woman was great. But for Jonny, the “I think that leprechaun stole my cigarettes and pooped in the fridge again” type of guy, this woman was just too pure, too nice.
Still, I decided to go out again and just have some fun.
I showed up the other evening and we ventured out among the people. We went to Meredith, a nice wealthy town on the edges of the Lake of Winnipesaukee, named after Gerald Winnipesaukee who invented Christmas. Ted was getting hungry so we passed a nice restaurant called “Canoe”. We decided to stop and went in. The menu was on a podium directly outside the establishment so we took a look. And my brothers and sisters, as soon as we did I knew I was in trouble. This was not a restaurant for poor Jonny Wellington Lumber salesman; this was a restaurant for Joe Q. Richman, governor of gold town.
“This looks nice, let’s go in.” She said, and I, being gentlemen, agreed. Upon entering we were greeted by several incredibly attractive waiters and waitresses and were seated under what else? A Fuckin canoe. We were surrounded by old people and all the china was square, not a round plate in the fuckin joint. There were candles at every table, the menus were made of the finest cardboard I had ever seen and the straws, the mother F’n straws were black. BLACK! The worst part was that there were two girls who stood at the end of the room who cleared tables as soon as people would leave, so they were constantly giving everyone in the room a stare down as if to say “Get the hell out of here so I can do my damn job you rich bastard!” But I was no rich bastard, and because I was facing them, I couldn’t look up damnit, I was scared. So scared.
So after my date ordered the $35 entrée’ ate half of it and didn’t want the rest wrapped up. “Just toss it.” I believe is what she said, which to a fat man like myself is pretty much like throwing out a baby because it cried too much.
The bill was $120, they didn’t take Discover, and so I couldn’t even get my fucking 5 percent cash back. All in all when I walked out of there I didn’t feel like I ate a canoe, I felt like I had been butt rammed by one. And not the pleasant kind of butt ram your parents tell you about late at night when your young.
We drove around for a while, me trying to figure out how to tell this girl we had nothing in common, and she trying to find a place that served ice cream. I tried to salvage things by getting to know her better.
Me- “So are you having fun?”
Ted – “Yeah, you?”
Me – “I suppose, hey what’s the craziest thing you’ve done lately?”
Ted – “Oh god, I am so crazy, but you go first.”
Me – “Ok, cool, a few days ago I was drinking on a boat, Marine patrol spotted us and we would of gotten a DUI, so I stripped off my clothes jumped in the water with all the bottles and filled them up with water thus sinking them to the bottom. When I came up I was in my underwear and Marine patrol wanted to know what I was doing. I (drunk) told them I had to take a piss but didn’t want to piss off the boat because I was embarrassed by my gigantic penis so I went in the water to do my business. They had no evidence so we got off Scot-free. It was pretty fuckin sweet.”
Ted – “Oh, well I almost call a guy a girl the other day.”
Me – “Oh”
So long story short I told this amazingly sweet, strong, beautiful woman that we should just be friends. It was hard to do, but I know that what this woman deserved I could never ever give her. And I was not going to be a dick and string her and myself along.
I had a hard time that night trying to understand what had happened earlier and adjusting to all the lessons I learned this summer. So while this article may not have been that entertaining or funny I do thank you for reading, and hope that you also had a wonderful, amazing, or shitty summer. Whatever it may of been is what it was meant to be I suppose.
So raise your glass to the sweet September skies. I quit my job the other day and am now a landscaper around Bedford, NH. The tides are turning my friends. I hope to see you all lying in the sand beside me when it finally rolls back.
Happy Fall,
Jonny Wellington
P.S. As a fuck you to the restaurant, I stole that bastard waiters pen. He didn't earn the size tip I gave him, it was default..DAMN IT! DE-FAULT! DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT!
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