| All Hail the Ice Bitch! |
2/28/2007 |
by Jon
So I’m told I need to be more cultured. I don’t watch Television, I don’t go to the movies, I hate my cell phone, and I’m getting that tattoo of an I-Pod on my lower back removed. So I decided; the best way to see all these things I have been missing, aka shut everyone up about telling me the things I’ve been missing, that I would sign up for Block Buster Total Access, which I found to be totally accessingly awesome! So far I’ve seen King Kong, Nightmares and Dreamscapes, oceans 12, and The Green Mile. A few days ago what should arrive at my door but the very alluring and much anticipated film “The Chronicles of Narnia, The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe.”
Later that night I grabbed a can of Soda and popped it in. Not bad my friends, not bad. Middle of a War, some kids almost die, they get sent away, rich house, nutty professor, magical world of Narnia, all positives on the Jon Wellington movie expectation list. So the movie is digging in, all the little shits are in Narnia now having talk with some talking beavers, it’s all good ya know? Suddenly their being chased across the frozen lake, their children, their running, their scared, reminds me of my Friday nights in my basement with the children from the neighborhood when we play “Dungeon of Fun” in our underwear. Cool.
So they think their caught and they hide behind a rock and are like “Oh shit, we’re scared, this is just like Lord of the rings where Frodo and his gang hide under the tree stump while a ring wrath sneaked around looking for them”. So they send the Beaver to sacrifice his life and look to see if they are cooked. He comes back and he smiles bringing good news, what he also brought with him my friends was the end of a good movie experience for me. OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE who else comes into the scene but Santa, fucking Santa, to do WHATELSE, equip them with divine weaponry to fight in a war. I understand that it is a fantasy movie and a part of me is willing give way to certain stretches of the imagination but what the fuck is going on here, not only does a character from a completely different genre and time frame come out of the woods, reindeers and all but then he gives these mystery kids the very thing with which he is against, SHIT THAT KILLS PEOPLE! “Here peter, Take this sword, may it glisten with the blood of all your enemies, lest they be evil adults, or pudgy innocent toddlers”.
So Santa arrives, gives away some arrows, a knife, shields, swords, and I’m pretty sure he threw the oldest boy a box a condoms and said “give em hell or herpes kid” and then he took the fuck off. I sat back and relaxed, Ok I said, obviously C.S. Lewis was having a bad day when he wrote that chapter or he was strung out on the medicine he was supposed to give his sick cat, I don’t know, but I am a man of forgiveness so I digress.
Against strong hopes, the situation did not improve. Before we know it, these kids are heroes; the oldest boy is full of courage and bravery as he listens to the giant talking lion so easily. The girl, you know the one with the huge zonkers the director was trying to hide so he didn’t have to outright admit to placating the pedophile demographic, she automatically knew how to shoot a bow and arrow (which she only did in battle once the entire movie) and on top off all that bullshit, the youngest girl IS A FUCKING EXPERT KNIFE THROWER! Who the fuck thought this shit up….AND THEN PUT IT IN A GOD DAMN MOVIE! You figure the Zanex would wear off in time for the producers to see what the hell is going on? Ehh, 2 points to the improving pharmaceutical industry for making a more powerful pill I guess.
So at this point I am pissed, I was told by friends and critics that this was a good movie, I thought it would be a good movie just based on its budget and that it’s born from a literary classic of such world renown. But above all these things that pissed me off, the worst was the segregation of animals by the writer and producers, deciding what animals were evil and which were good.
I LOVE FUCKIN BUFFALO! How the hell could they be evil, and not only evil, but a god damn general at that. But wait, Cheetah’s fight for the good side? CHEETAH’S SUCK! Rhino’s are the most evil thing on the planet, yet there they were fighting behind the courageous antelopes and Gryffindors! Who gave those dick buckets the right to say that polar bears are evil? Have they seen the fuckin coke commercials, polar bears are funny, warm, friendly and kind! So help me God, if I saw a Panda on the evil side I would have taken that movie, chopped it up, ate it, shit it out, put the shit in a bag and mailed that shit to the youngest relative of C.S. Lewis I could track down. You can take artistic license and shove it up your poop machine grundle munchers, I don’t want to hear it! What they did with a camera and some blank film for this fucking movie deserves a punishment I promised I would never deem for anyone, but I just can’t see anyway around it. Icicle Rape, They deserve to be Icicly raped.
Speaking of Icicles, the only thing the movie did get right in it’s 3 hour romp of wrongacity, was that if any being on the planet was going to be responsible for the down fall of justice, hope and everything beautiful in the world it would be a bitch. AN ICE BITCH! Good score on that move C.S. Sexist, good score.
See you in line for the sequel.
-Jon
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