| The Men's Room |
3/26/2007 |
by Jon
A True Story
So about a month ago I got a great job as an assistant Office manager at this software company 5 minutes from my house. A lot of people from all over the world, some cute women and super computer geeks, all right down the Jon Bones alley. What I love most about this job is all the random shit they ask me to do. Jon arrange this, Jon order that, Jon punch this woman. I tell ya friends you haven’t lived until you’ve ordered 400 dollars worth of Chinese food, to me it was like a movie trailer of heaven, and it was rated AWESOME.
Anyway, last week my Boss Donna told me that our company had a problem, a wet problem. Some of the employees had complained to her about people not lifting the toilet seat and pissing all over the place. So naturally Donna came to me asking how I would deal with the pissing problem. I thought of the kind of notice I would put in the bathroom. Please lift the seat, don’t piss on your neighbor yada yada and yet another yada. Then I got an idea, why not make it somewhat enjoyable, something funny but with a message that would change your life, like that Care Bear episode about STD’s, I learned more from that half hour of television than I ever did in school.
So off I went, it took me about an hour because my computer didn’t have Photoshop, but I created a cartoon (fig. A1) teaching a lesson about pee courtesy. Ya know you would be surprised what Microsoft word and paint can do when you push its boundaries. I brought it to Donna and she loved it, Next Stop, bathroom! I was excited, it was a chance to open myself up to the people of this company. If they all laughed, then they would all like me, if they all liked me, then they would talk to me, if they all talked to me then I could bang them, everyone of them, even the dudes.
Any how, they were up and I was happy, ready to start my term as most popular guy who’s ever hung crap up in the bathroom….that wasn’t actually literally crap. A few minutes later Donna comes to me and says I have to take them all down and replace them with a boring notice that says everything I say but in a much more professional a.k.a. BORING tone. I asked why and I expected her to say “It was offensive” or “It wasn’t funny” I get both of those things a lot, usually right after the other. “No” she said “The person felt it wasn’t a harsh enough reprimand” What!? WHAT!? That’s the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard, what a load of bullshit! Apparently this person is so up there ass in anger over the damn toilet seats that they have lost their sense of humor completely, the damn cartoon got the point across and it was enjoyable to read while you are pissing or crapping, IT’S GOT SOMETHING FOR FUCKIN EVERYBODY! What an asshole, the world has lost its sense of humor! My buddy reminded me that it was a building full of computer geeks whose sense of humor is throwing a 2 into the binary code mix. But I don’t god damn care! I took down my posters and put up the basic ones, now everybody knows that the dudes bathroom is full of pissers instead of everyone wanting to be a man just for one day to see the enjoyable cartoon in the men’s room.
I made a pact that day; that I would piss on every toilet seat I ever see in the universe. So far, I have not let myself down. If I can’t bring humor to the world, I can make its asses all soak in piss. In the end, the dreams are quite similar.
Till next time.
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