God Damn Bitch Face (GDBF)

Mothers are bitches, it’s inevitable, they either became a bitch when they popped out the kid, a bitch after they found out they were pregnant, or in most cases bitches all along. Complaining about the life all souls must lead, but now that they are pregnant they have a larger right to bitch because they are now officially a hero of the planet, bringing in another mouth to feed in an already crowded world. For you see my friends, breeding has never happened on this planet before, so now that this lady got knocked up it will be the saving grace of our world ensuring that we as a race continue on for at least 65-80 more years, that or until she doesn’t pay attention to him and he/she gets nailed by an on-coming truck…wait that’s Pet Cemetery, sorry.

People have been fucking and breeding for as long as we have been around, in fact, THE WORLD has been fucking and breeding since the god damn oceans formed. Even single celled organisms got their bone on when they saw some hot little ditty in the neighboring sess pool. Just because you’ve become pregnant doesn’t mean your special, if anything it means you’re un-original, repeating a process everyone around you has been doing for much longer, I don’t understand a mother who says “I’m not getting an I-Pod or Ugg boots, everyone has those, I’m more independent. Well honey, what about you’re little drooling fuck face in that basket next to you, I saw a bunch of those yesterday at the mall but that didn’t stop you jumping on that band wagon.

If anything, being a mother…and fuck it a father too is kind of selfish. The amount of kids needing adoption or at least a foster home is staggering. Yet more and more couples are having their own babies. It’s like refusing to buy a used car even though it will run the same and is $20,000 dollars cheaper. “I don’t want a USED baby; I want a brand new fresh baby.” The point of these babies isn’t to raise a new soul on the planet, to teach it right and wrong anymore. Babies have become status builders, catapulting a person or couple into a new realm of self centeredness and power, that’s why you get a tax break when you acquire one. After your wedding day no one cares about you, after you graduate high school no one cares about you, after you finally admit to your white family you’re dating a 62 year-old black man, no one cares about you. Each of these scenarios has one thing in common; it’s the perfect time to have a baby. People will start caring about you again! For nine months there are “congratulations” and “oh how sweet” when all this woman and man did was whore themselves out to each other. Everyone suddenly cares how you’re doing for the sake of the baby. Then after you have the baby it’s at least 5-7 years of gifts and attention and lovely admiration from all those around you. If someone told me I would get praised for at least 8 years and all I had to do was fuck some chick and blow the load inside her…..HELL, SIGN ME THE FUCK UP! I’m down for that shit, who wouldn’t be?

The big problem that comes after this is when the child starts to grow into a pre-teen and a teenager. It’s no longer as cute and gives you attitude even though “you sacrificed everything for him/her” which in actuality the child should never have to hear, all you did was fuck. If to get pregnant you had to plug a deadly volcano from destroying the earth then yes, I’d give you some more credit. But all you had to do was fuck, even I can do that, and I’m not good at anything! So what do you do when this happens? YOU HAVE ANOTHER BABY! More tax breaks, more gifts, more attention, it’s a win win situation. However, that is why women’s bodies can’t produce babies all their lives, its Nature’s way of holding us accountable for our actions. Eventually you can’t have anymore and all the ones you did have are going into their later teenage years where they ABSOLUTELY HATE YOU! That’s a teenager’s job, to hate everything around them, their job, their parents, and their school. The only thing they do like are their friends, their music, and the girl or boy they want too….you got it, FUCK, turns out they’re a chip of the old block after all.

It’s why people get divorced, have huge mid-life crises and end up shunning the kids they once worked so hard for. Parents spend so much of their lives invested in the child, that they don’t nourish their and their partners own personal growth. So once this child goes through the “I hate you and everything on the planet phase”, you have nothing but a big screen TV, a child that won’t talk to you, and a partner you no longer know. Oh, and if your lucky, cake in the fridge.

“But birth is a beautiful thing!”
Have you seen a baby getting born? It’s fucking disgusting.

“But babies are so cute and cuddly.”
What the fuck are they, your fucking doll? This is a person unto themselves, but to you it’s a symbol that you are now a complete person and more importantly, better than everyone else around you, even other mothers.

“But pregnancy is a life changing experience.”
I agree with this, it most certainly is, but how we use these experiences to our own benefit is what I take issue with. Mothers act like they know it all, how can they not? They spend most of their day telling their kids what to do. It is a switch you just can’t “turn off” when you want too. Soon you’re telling your husband what to do, your telling your friends what to do; your telling your neighbors kids what to do. It is a downward spiraling cycle of power and bitchiness that the person never sees because in their own conscious they are a mother and there for immune to criticism and completely infallible.
People, specifically Men put up with it and never contradict a mother because the same old “you have no idea what its like” argument always comes up, and they’re right, we don’t know, we’ll never ever ever know. Maybe that was God’s greatest gift to men, to never know. No wonder every woman is always pissed at us.


Jon Wellington lives in Ambridge Idaho with his girlfriend and 6 daughters.