Looking for ass in all the wrong places I suppose...

There’s this idea in modern culture that everyone mentally abides by, but they show no damn action towards. This idea is that kids in their 20’s and beyond that live with their parents are losers. Even the kid’s themselves are a little apprehensive when you ask them where they are staying and they look down and say “with the folks”. I have been through this conversation enough now to segway off of it pretty quickly “Yeah, you gotta do what ya gotta do for the time being.” Is what I usually say, but I’m thinking more along the lines of “yeah hot shot, way to broadcast your pussy signal across the damn room.” Call me an asshole all you want, I think once you graduate college you have one year to live with your parents and save money, find a job, blow coke, whatever the hell you want to do, but after that year, find a god damn apartment and start surviving on your own. The sooner you start the better you get the sooner! (YEAH! TRY AND DIFFUSE THAT MIND EXPLOSION)

But it seems that more and more often I am meeting people at parties, grocery markets and the dog track who all still live with their parents, these are people 26, 27, and 28. I can’t help but wonder why they would choose to do so. What about the freedom? What about working and being responsible for your own home? What about budgeting and pretty much learning how to rely on yourself? My counselor and I are working on how I should “choose my battles” and far be it from me to tell anyone where they should live. But what really has me balls to the wall pissed off is how these stupid fuckers keep getting god damn ass! Every magazine, TV show, hell even straight from the whorses mouth I am being told that being a responsible mature adult is what attracts ass the most, but FUCK THAT. I went to a party last weekend and I saw two of my friends, both whom still live with Mom and Dad hook up…and hard. They didn’t have to do shit; the ass was all over them. And they hadn’t even showered in 2 days, the ass didn’t care, the ass never cares!

What the fuck!? I wish I could tell you that this is an isolated incident but I can tell you a million damn stories of girls who are stuck in dead end relationships with guys who mooch off of them and their parents. They want me to sympathize but I can’t. I have to ask why the hell they are with them in the first place? What makes a man who lives with his parents so god damn debonair? Is it that his hands are clean and manicured from never having to do a hard days work? Is it their excellent ability to tell a woman what to do? Is it the cuteness of being completely helpless and needing to be taken care of for any menial task? I read fucking Cosmo once, they said the top five things that attract ass to man are:
5. Politeness
4. Responsibility
3. Loving
2. Attractive
1. Funny
After my fuckin experience, here are what the top five really are:
5. Needs Money
4. No personal grooming ability
3. Drinks (preferably heavy)
2. Attractive
1. Be a total fucking retard with no dreams of a future who just wants to impregnate me.

I am really becoming at odds with the “do as I say not as I do” motif everyone seems to carry around with them. And this situation doesn’t help. We want to live one way but preach another. Fine! No big deal anyhow, we all just move on, the people who don’t do anything worth while can have their ass and I’ll have mine, like I said let’s move on.

BUT THAT’S THE FUCKING PROBLEM! There is no “my ass”! So there can be no “move on”. If I was neck deep, or hell even ankle deep in ass I wouldn’t, and most others in my position, wouldn’t care at all, we’d be too damn busy getting ass. But when we don’t get ass; and it comes down to a guy who scrimps, saves, and learns to be responsible at an early age versus that fuckhead who is driving his Dad’s car well rested from his nicely heated home having just ate a delicious mother made meal and He gets the ASS? That is where I draw the line. I ain’t no ass whore, and I don’t want no asses wiping their bitch cooties all over my new bed spread, but I still want the option of having ass if I so choose! I shouldn’t have to walk away from ass because it chose to hang with someone whose biggest decision is what kind of syrup to put on the weekly grocery list they never have to bloody pay for!

Don’t worry Jon, calm down, this is just an isolated incident it doesn’t happen that often…FUCK THAT. I was dumped for some 27 year old who lived with his parents, my uncle met his wife when he was still living with my grandmother at age 36. A couple of my friends’ relationships thrived while they were living with their parents. I would understand if it was temporary but when you hit 27, it ain’t no temp no mo. Yet it doesn’t seem to matter to people, neither does smoking nor drugs. I guess maybe what I’m really attacking here is our lack ability to live as we preach. All the little rules of thumb and great fables we were told as children are just wrong, the tortoise would never won that damn race. We, every one of us, is willing to throw our moral obligations and ideas of what is right out the window for the next hit, whether it be food, drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, name your poison. We are all whores.

So all I ask is that the next time you start to say “I would never date/do/throw/bone/snort/believe/go” just stop, take the words, roll them up into a ball and shove them up your ass, because it’s exactly what you would do any way if you met ass that had these “down falls” but was good looking and ready to hop in the sac. In the end the only morale fable we can all agree on is “We are what we eat.” It’s the only thing to explain how we have become what we have become.

asses.