I should of seen it coming when I picked up the box

Now before we started watching one of my roommates had to shit, so in the meantime I decided to watch the trailer to, you know, psych me up for the film. I figured I would get a heart pounding race of loud music and wild clues into a world I long to know more about. What I really got was 3 ½ minutes of boring clips with a lot of talking but nothing happening. The trailer sucked ass balls! It’s not exciting or riveting at all! It just talks about a princess who has to get back to her world and follow clues; it showed a few clips of a wondrous world with this huge weird looking tree, then this freaky character with no eyes. But overall I found it to be boring and repetitive, the same stuff I have seen over and over again. I was told it was Alice in Wonderland meets Labyrinth, so I put aside my distaste for the trailer and watched what is being described as one of the best movies ever made.

After watching it I have determined that NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT! The movie blew complete and total ass. The explanation of the magical fairy princess or whatever the fuck was happening was non-sensecal and disjointed. So she was a princess, but trapped? And she escaped and found light and forgot who she was…so her real mom never in fact had her, but she had to die to get back….so when she saw light she…died in the princess world….but woke in the real…world…her mom was actually princess but also in real world…I can’t feel my face….what?....but she saw no WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT! Was her soul re-incarnated in this little girl or did her soul end up in the Moon man’s dick which then fucked the fairy princess who was also her mom?!?...Whatever, I let it go there were still 2 more hours to endure; I can’t let the first 30 seconds shake me.

But it only got retardeder! I thought this movie was about a magical fantasy world and pixies and princess clues and the opening of a new world! All I saw was some ugly ass girl meet her new general dad who was waiting for the rebels to show themselves in the middle of the wilderness, for a few minutes I was expecting to see E-woks cause the movie was the same damn plot as Return of the Jedi. Then the general guy shaved himself in front of a mirror for 10 minutes and beat the shit out of some old dude with the butt of his gun. If they were going to pick a war to center around, why the fuck would they choose the end of some no-one-gives-a-shit war in the Evergreen forest of Spain? Doesn’t this guy have any backup or superiors to get help from, before you know it more rebels arrive and kill 12 men, then the general guy only has 20 men left…so he only had what? 30 or 35 men? He supposed to be this badass…aww shit what the hell is going on…wait wait, I’m getting ahead of myself.

So while all this pointless war/forcible character development shit is going on apparently the little girl keeps seeing this weird looking bug, well big HOOPY DE LOO, a weird bug…awesome. Anyway, she sees this bug and it meets with her in the night, she asks if it is a fairy and VOILA it becomes a fairy, how stupidly convenient. So now there is a dark little fairy that tells the girl to follow it, FINALLY SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET INTERESTING!

So the fairy brings her through the stone labyrinth and down some windy stairs where she meets something that looks like a mix of Satan, horse, donkey, and an old Chinese woman. For the rest of this review I will refer to him as “Chiney”. So Chiney gets all excited that the princess has returned “oh your back how great” yada and yada. So at this point I’m thinking “finally some cool shit, let’s get going to this freaky psychedelic world of caterpillars, mushrooms, secrets and bad guys, but halfway through his speech this Chiney fucker says “oh yeah, you have to do a bunch of shit first” in order too…come back to the kingdom I guess, it really confused me because we were so damn close to getting to the magical world…but no we’re fucked. So he gives her a book and tells her she has to do some tasks over the next three days. She leaves.

DAMNIT! Ok ok, let’s just keep going. So the entire time there are two completely different stories going on. The heart wrenching tale of a sadistic general versus the freedom fighting rebels and their quest for justice, and a strange non-sensical story about a girl and her fucked up dream of a magical princess kingdom. It seems that the director really just wanted to tell a dramatic story of war, treason, suspense and sacrifice but realized no one gives a shit about that stuff. So in look of that he decided to add two things movie goers love…little girls and the promise of a big effects driven pay-off. I would go into the rebel war story but just watch star wars, Schindler’s list or the last two Matrix movies and you get pretty much what this movie gives you. Unfortunately some decided to sell this film as a sci-fi and so far it hasn’t shown me one ounce of anything fantastical. Anyway, getting back to the bullshit fairy world tale….

The little girl that time forgot is given a task by a magical book that has nothing written it. She has to find this tree no one else has seen or found. IT CAN’T BE THAT FUCKIN HARD TO FIND SHE FOUND THE FUCKER IN ABOUT 3 MINUTES! She then has to take these three magical balls, WHICH CAME OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE, and put them in some frogs’ mouth at the bottom of the tree. Was anyone else surprised at how easy this task seemed when explained and then how easily it was accomplished? All she had to do was hold out the magical balls which conveniently morphed into the exact bug that this frog eats anyway! Where’s the fuckin challenge?! The frog wasn’t even a threat really! That giant tongue hit her twice and she was fine. So the frog swallows her balls and then turns inside out, easy as shit! She then has to get the key out from all the guts and goo but WAIT! SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE TO REACH INTO ANY OF THE GROSS BULLSHIT! THE DAMN KEY IS RIGHT ON TOP! All she had to do was grab the key and leave, too simple. All of this, by the way, for a tree that has NOTHING to do with the rest of the story! The task was so damn easy, where’s the challenge? Damnit, Damnit, Damnit! I am getting away with myself, I must abridge for time’s sake!

The other tasks were also way too simple, all she has to do in the second one is open a box with a key and leave, the idiot can’t resist two fucking grapes and suddenly Chiney won’t talk to her anymore. The story gets boring and predictable to the point where…POOF; Chiney comes back and decides to give the little bitch another chance out of the blue. So let me get this straight, she eats two grapes and you “can never talk to her ever again.” Then a half hour later you just come back for her after she does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to earn a second chance. At this point, fuck it. She gets her baby brother heads to the Labyrinth where back in war town everyone is being killed, yippee. The girl won’t spill the blood of the innocent baby and she get’s shot by general douche bag. She dies and wakes up in the magical king where her mother is there with her moon father whom doesn’t look like a moon at all. Question, was anyone else reminded of Bill and Ted’s excellent adventure in the throne room of the moon king and is wife? You know, when Bill and Ted where looking up at the “time judges” in that chamber or something? Anyway, so we finally get to see this wondrous fairy kingdom place and after 2 hours of bullshit all we are privy too is one room with a bunch of people we can’t really see and a royal family in chairs so high they can never get down. Congratulations, the end.

Then again, what the hell did I expect? Everyone is praising this director to high heaven and I checked out his past films, OOOHHHH, WOOOW, Hell boy and Blade II, what a resume', no wonder I wanted to rip my nuts off the entire damn movie. Who rates this shit!? Throw in that the whole thing was done in Spanish which, honestly my friends, is just an ugly ugly language. I mean I have watched subtitled movies in Japanese, like Curse of the Golden Flower and it flows so nicely, the Japanese have such a beautifully spoken language. Spanish, however, disgusting.

So fuck you Pan’s Labyrinth, you once again prove that the public viewing opinion is about as smart as a cracked out toddler made of bullshit wrapped in an idiot tortilla. I guess I’ll just re-watch those Sopranos episodes.