by Jon
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? Everything has its quirks; it’s round a bouts, its little intricacies that make that thing unique. I deal with it on a daily basis; whether it be with people, machines, blow up dolls, or sandwiches. Each one has a personality and way of doing things, I persevere. But I swear to god I have had it with you Penis. Your uncooperative attitude has taken a toll on me and I can’t deal with it any longer. I guess you could say I am giving you a dick ultimatum or we’re having a penile intervention. Either way things have to change. As in any intervention, I will first list to you grievances and instances were you have shown to be a bad bad bad little penis.
You won’t work when standing next to someone in the bathroom.
Even when I really really REALLY have to go, I will run in un-zip, pull out and if someone walks into the bathroom at any moment you suddenly freeze like a deer in headlights. I have to stand there in front of the urinal and “mock pee” that is to say I have to act like I am going but not really going. Usually I can wait until the person with the not shy penis is done and then I can go, but GOD FORBID another person walks in right after. At this point Penis, I have to give up and move on. I flush, wash my hands and leave. Guess what though? As soon as I walk out you tell me even more that it is time to open the flood gates. You’re a douche' bag, not only do I have to Ninja Pee (That is to say do it quickly and silently before I am discovered) but I also have to walk into that smelly bathroom twice within in a ten minute period. All because you REFUSE to dislodge your fuel support when other soldiers are in the hanger. Wow, there were a lot of references there Penis, but I bet you don’t understand anyone of them, why? Because you only see your side of the tail, no one else’s! Asshole understands, he can talk to the world even at the most inappropriate times, he doesn’t care. It’s the reason I don’t strangle him every night at 6:30 p.m. after dinner like I do to you.
When I get all sweaty you take on the physical and mental characteristics of a sea otter.
I can’t grab you, hold you, nothing! You decide it’s time for a fun day at water park Jon, where the best ride is the Slip N’ Slide. Just stay still, I may need to clean you or go to the bathroom. You get so difficult when you get hyper. It’s takes a toll on me during yard work, exercise and intense video game play, when It’s 4th and 12 with only 2 seconds left and I’m down by 15, the last thing I want to do is worry about you, yet you constantly demand all of my attention. It’s rude Penis, very very rude.
You never tell me you love me.
I tell you all the time. My gentle sweet nothings that I whisper to you deep in the hollows of the night go unheard and unappreciated. It’s all about you, all the time. There’s never anytime or place for any other activity or enrichment trip. I want to take you to a museum, you’re tired. I want to show you a cool new book I found, but playing with you too much has left me blind. I want to be your friend, but now you’re just making it difficult. You’re never ready when I tell you it’s time to go out, and you always want to “talk” in the middle of porn movies when I’m trying to concentrate on the plot twists and to see if Hank will be able to actually deliver the pizza this time to Chastity. You also never touch my face anymore. I miss that.
How do we solve these problems Penis? I don’t know, I can’t leave you and I’m sure as hell not going to cut you off. But please a little more consideration for me would really go along way, especially because I’m the one who has to make all the excuses for you all the time. With that said, know that I love you and am here for you, just stop being such a…..dick I guess.
Try to be more like Asshole. Now there’s a team player!
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