| Let's just skip the bullshit and declare Oprah the Woman King of Earth! |
12/11/2007 |
by Jon
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Which audience member is going to get this shoved up their ass!
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I’m sick of waiting. My impatience has finally got the best of me. I can't stand politics, I can't stand the media, all signs point to Hippie and believe me I am devastated about it. But until I decide to join a California jam group and forgo clean laundry for the rest of my life I would at least like to see some progress. And the way I see things going is that someone useless will win the presidency and because Oprah is now supporting the candidate who rips butts, she is gaining a strong notice now from people who have never heard of her….you know the hermits in the deep woods of New Zealand. Eventually she will decide to run for the presidency. And we will get to vote for her.
Except, why even bother voting? By this point Oprah will be so technologically and vaginally powerful that she will have the other candidates murdered or she will use her super secret Oprah time machine and send them back to the dark ages or back to Sparta...that would be cool.
She will at one point get tired of waiting and just declare herself president, then she will buy the U.N. and probably even televise it, It would be like the female version of the super bowl except the commercials wouldn't be funny and they'd be all about silk bed sheets and tampons.
So what would life be like in an Oprah Mastered Universe? Well for one thing it would smell fantastic! Everyone would wear teal everything and there would most likely be mandatory reading time. We would all feel much more in touch with ourselves and be amazed by how amazing lemon juice cleans semen stains. Orange would be popular and fat black women would be hot. God Bless Em!
So let's quit talking about it and wondering how the hell the world's gonna turn out, I just told you damnit. Let’s cut to the damn chase and instate Oprah now, it will save us time, it will save her time and I yearn for a better strategy to wash out shit stains in my underwear to preserve the delicate cotton.
All hail the Big O
There is a good chance that Oprah’s death squad will come and get me. If they do, I would like to go on record as saying that Panda’s are awesome.
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