Who gives the better HJ?

Ahh the New Hampshire primaries, the one time every four years where the people of this country actually pay attention to me. Some anticipate victory for their candidate while others are just plane pissed that a state so small with a population 1/250th of the entire country gets to make such a large impacting first decision. A privilege we probably lost 100 years ago but still hold onto because of tradition. A tradition born only because our colony representative gave John Adams a better hand job than any other colonies representative! GOOOO HAND JOBS!

And face it, without the first primary what excuse could I give the rest of the country not to blow us up or sell us to India for profit? I mean…I have a lot of granite…if we can’t live free we prefer to die, except replace “live free” with “have giant plasma flat screen” and “die” with “go over my wife’s mothers house who has a giant plasma flat screen”. We also have….we also have….aww shit.

Regardless, for the past year and increasing in these last 3 months, there has been a constant struggle by the prezy hopefuls for the hearts of New Hampshirites. Each candidate seems to magically transform into a person that can support each individual person and each large group one in the same. At 10 a.m. a candidate will be the KKK super friend and at 1 p.m., after a kosher lunch, will be present at a local boy’s briss and then they can wrap the whole day up with a home-style prostitute dinner in Concord, NH.

Concords the capital by the way….you uneducated retarded bastards.

Moving on. New Hampshire has been listening to what each candidate says and rather than repeat all the same key boring issues that really won’t get resolved or forcing yet another candidate down your throat; I am going to go through the hopefuls and judge how they each would give a hand job. Remember…GOOOOO HAND JOBS!

Republicans

John McCain- I would not enjoy it, I’ll tell you that much. He would rub to hard, getting angry at me that I wasn’t respecting him or his beliefs enough. He is a man I would love to have hate sex with, but a hand job? There’s just not enough gentlemen in him to be able to be rough AND passionate at the same time.
Mitt Romney - Here’s the type of man that not only has powerful eyes but big powerful hands perfect for giving an excellent hand job. The only problem is that if I wanted to donate the end result for stem cell research he would no longer be a pleasant man to deal with, him or his 12 secret wives hidden in the salt mines of Utah.
Rudy Giuliani - I don’t think I could ever reach climax, I would constantly be crying remembering the victims of 911 and how each one of them would never ever get a hand job again.
Huckabee - It would be lovely, sensual, fun and comfortable. The only problem lies in his name; would I always have to call him Huckabee? Couldn’t I call him something a little less comical or Hickish? How about “shotgun”, “The Donkey” or "Hot Dog Barrel". Seriously though, the hand job would be amazing.
Ron Paul - He is a doctor, so while the hand job would involve plastic gloves and telling me how overweight I was, I could at least walk away knowing I don’t have a hernia or some sort of penile shaft contusion.

Democrats

Hillary Clinton - I’m not really sure she would even know what to do with it. She would look for a while, most likely with a confused or baffled face. The thing is…I dig that. Nothing, I repeat NOTHING gets me hotter than a cold stare down between a woman of power and my penis.
John Edwards - What a dreamy son of a bitch! I bet his hands are silky smooth too, caressed and manicured after years of never having to do any actual work. But damn if that ain’t the hottest haircut and smile in the race. I just want to cover him in pudding, put a cherry on top, tape a spoon to my dick and go to town! But alas, I cannot, all I can get from him is a hand job. But for that smile? I would do it.
Barack Obama - I would most likely be intimidated, he is black so not only does his penis most likely dwarf mine, but after it’s over *(whisper)He’ll probably rob me* He does have great teeth though. And he is the only candidate I would ask to talk during the sensual transaction. He is so much more a smooth a bullshitter than any other candidate I bet he could coax my spooge out with promises of a better tomorrow for my spooge and more opportunity for my spooge. He wouldn’t even have to touch me, which keeps me AND my wallet safe!
Bill Richardson - A Mexican, it would be fast, it would be inefficient, BUT it would be cheap!

So there you have it. Pretty much everything you need to know about each and every candidate…when it comes to hand jobs. Some people like them slow, some people like them fast. Some people just want you to do whatever you gotta do. Some just want you to tell them you love them every morning so they don’t feel alone. And as a voter remember to not only listen to what they say but to be aware of how they feel to you because in the thick of all the bullshit, they can pretty much do as they please, even if you don’t like it and it goes against everything they said they would do before you walked in the bedroom. But at that point you’re fucked anyway; they’ve got your nuts in their hands.

literally.

May the god of Hand jobs have mercy on us all.