| Jeff Goldblum Is an Ass |
4/28/2003 |
by Jon
Mr. President George Busch,
I know of a force unlike any other force. A force unlike any force you have ever forced yourself to see. At first site they may seem like cuddly little teddy bears of ecstasy, but in this you would be mis-taken. For once they take a sip from their magic juice their powers ignite with a flame equal to that of our beloved mother Sun. I am talking of the Gummi Bears. No, no, no, no, no, not the delicious multi-colored rubbery pellets of joy and or fun. The actual Gummi Bears. You might recall them from their reality series in the 80’s. Oh so witty and of so sweet these magnificent war machines hold every characteristic of a fit U.S. Soldier and all the cunning of the juice consuming grizzly bear. I recently took to the streets to get a poll going on what the American people think of my suggestion. The responses were overwhelming, with 79% asking “Who in the hell are the gummi bears?” 19% percent responding “stop “accidentally” drooling on me.” And 1% saying “Jeff Goldblum is an ass.” To get a better perspective I watched one of my 137 hours of Gummi Bear FAQ’s and tip tapes. After an intense 6 hours, with no toffee ice cream break!, I evaluated my research and all my hypothesis’s proved correct. The Gummi Bears are both Dashing and daring, Courageous and caring, Faithful and friendly, with stories to share. All through the forest, they sing out in chorus, Marching along, as their song fills the air. Assuming that “stories” is Bear language for tomahawk missile and by their “song” they mean pain. Then well mister president, your war problems are at an end, dare I say P’shaw. And don’t worry their gummi juice can be claimed as a medical aid technically making all the PCP and cat tranquilizers in it legal. If I were you I would be saying “wow that is such a great idea Leacock you are a damn genius, here accept Greenland as a gift for your wonderful insight and strategy in helping us too defeat…….whatever it is we’re fighting”. And you know what, I would agree. So then, I hope all is well and I’ll be expecting my deed to Greenland in the mail. Thanks keebo-sabi.
All my heart,
Lord Leacock Phiniby III
P.S. Just kidding I’m not a III, I’m a I. Lol
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