by Jon
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Sir, you have not earned your mustache this time.
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2 YEARS AGO
Producer 1: Good day fellow producer!
Producer 2: And to you also producer.
Producer 1: I produced something last night, it’s a movie about an oil tycoon.
Producer 2: Sounds fancy, what’s it about?
Producer 1: Nothing, absolutely nothing.
Producer 2: Hmmmm, sounds interesting, how long is it?
Producer 1: About 3 hours.
Producer 2: Fantastic. Are you sure it’s not possible to make it about something, anything?
Producer 1: I read over the script for days and just have not been able to find anything interesting, I mean its got interesting parts but I quickly moved on to find something more interesting but it never happened. I figure we could just put someone really famous as the main character, someone artistic that no one will doubt.
Producer 2: Johnny Depp?
Producer 1: No, we need someone deeper with a name so rattling that it will intimidate the patron and make them feel they have to see this movie. Someone with a very large name, people are scared of people with longer names then theirs. And the movie is in fact so much about nothing that we should probably follow the same strategy with the director.
Producer 2: My producing contacts have produced me a good bond with someone on the Oscar squad, I’ll get it nominated, then people will feel they have to see it.
Producer 1: Good work, I’ll take up work on the trailers as to make them very scarce and subtle, not giving away any of the information that isn’t there anyway.
Producer 2: PERFECT!
Producer 1 & Producer 2: MWAAYAHAHAH, MWAHAHAHAHA
Producer 1: I’m sure glad we decided to meet in the tallest tower of this abandoned castle during a lighting storm. MWAYAYAYAYHAHAHAH
Producer 2: Me too. MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
And that ladies and gentlemen is pretty much what must have happened when the script to “There will be Blood” came to be. For a title that grabs your testicles and pulls you in, the finish pretty much just gives you blue balls. Usually even the worst movies take a couple paragraphs to explain the story. I can do it here pretty much in three sentences;
There is a man who is good at digging. He finds oil and becomes rich, he goes to other areas where there is oil and digs. He gets more richer. He gets a kid whose dad died on one of his rigs, the kid goes deaf and he is sent away. Man digs more, builds pipeline and fights with a preacher. He is an asshole. The end.
What roped me in on this film was the fact that my friend wanted to see it and that is was Oscar nominated, which just proves that Oscar is a no talent sellout who will give his nod to the first person who lines his pockets or sticks the first star studded artistic crotch lint on his table. Nothing happens in this movie, nothing. Yet it is being lauded as one of the best films of 2008. It’s exactly what happened last year with Broken Back Mountain. The movie itself was a love story like most love stories, but because it was hilariously between two gay cow boys it suddenly become innovative and amazing. That’s what happened will this Blood piece of crap, all it is is a common story about a giant douche’ bag being extremely douche’ baggy, but because of the time frame it is based in and because, OMG OMG OMG, Daniel Day Lewis is in it, everybody freaked. Daniel Day Lewis and Paul Thomas Anderson…Maybe there first hang-up was not hiring anyone with a real name, they all had fancy names that made special note of their middle name. It’s already unnatural and to have not only your star actor but also your director suffer from this horrible middle naming disease it’s no wonder it all fell to shit.
AND IT HAD POTENTIAL. This film literally dips its ladle in a bunch of different gripping story lines, sips what it has to offer and instead of eatin the damn bowl of soup, it moves on hoping to find a better recipe with nuts in it down the line. Well it never found the fucking nuts, by the time three hours went by nothing had been accomplished and everyone was patiently waiting for either an explosion, revelation or at best a dragon attack to living things up. There is no other movie in the world that needed a ninja attack more than this one. THEY EVEN LIED IN THE DAMN TITLE! There were only three scenes with blood, and there wasn’t even a lot of blood at that. I’m thinking maybe the original title, like the names of its stars, was just too long and got cut off by the printer. I am sure the original name was…
THERE WILL BE BLOOD
…not really..maybe some, but definitely not a lot, but it will be super red blood, so that’s something to look for.
So now, just like BB Mountain, just like that stupid Denzel Washington cop movie that also sucked, There will be Blood will amaze and astound all around Hollywood and be lost on everyone else that matters. At least I am Legend got to the point and was over after an hour and half. If you’re going to keep my ass in a seat in a dark theatre for three hours, I better get some awesome blood wielding fights or raped. These are simple movie courtesies.
There you have it, movies like this just prove that the writers strike started a lot earlier than we thought and that the plans of maniacal producers from stormy mountain top castles maybe don’t know as much as we thought they did. Have no fear though, if you leave the theatre at exactly the right moment, you might be able to catch all of Juno, a film so good….that it can’t possibly win shit.
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