by Jon
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Megatron. Formerly Pinwheel. Formerly Professor Abigail Peterson
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The Wellington family suffered a monumentally emotional loss this past week. The one and only Megatron passed away…or disappeared pretty much. Megatron has been missing for a few weeks now and considering the life span of a gerbil it seems that it would be the correct time to move on and declare it dead…BUT, never finding the body gives me hope of a much more heroing tale for our good friend. So if you will ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the eulogy for my beloved friend and confident, my very first, but certainly not last, minion of darkness: Megatron the Terrible
Megatron’s Christian birth name was “Pinwheel”. A strong and virile gerbil she came to me with her sister “Scrambles”. Scrambles and Pinwheel had been living the sweet life, until their very young and inexperienced owner could not handle the pressure from her parents and had to put up her babies for adoption. In came sir Wellington with a kind home, a warm heart, and all the wood chips hope could dream! In April of 2005 Pinwheel and Scrambles were officially adopted and moved into their new home with yours truly. After a few days it was apparent that the force was strong with these two gerbils and a name change was going to be needed in order to reflect their new mission as my faithful and deadly minions over Earth. On May 16th, the year of our lord 2005 our two Gerbil friends were re-christened Professor Pamela Schwartz and Doctor Abigail Peterson. The good Doctor and the wise Professor lived happily and merrily for nearly 2 years together. They often would burrow in their wood chips, poop fucking everywhere, and then cuddle in a really hot girl on girl 69 style gerbil orgy. The Good Doctor and the professor were amazing teammates and made their master proud.
It was then, that on January 26th, 2007. When bringing them their weekly water ration that I found the good Doctor Dead in their home. She had been eaten by the Professor. Mystified by this sudden act of defiance, and the fact that an almost full food bowl sit next to the body, I realized that it was time. The Professor had acquired the strength and soul needed to move on to become the most powerful gerbil minion on the planet. She had absorbed another gerbil’s soul, her sister’s soul for that matter and had also acquired the great taste for blood. She was ready! It was then that I re-named her MEGATRON…and then sucked the good Doctor through a vacuum hose…which was really really really gross by the way.
We lived in relative peace from that moment on. Megatron was king of its castle and no one stood a chance of harnessing her. Unless you new the secret ancient technique of using both your hands to scoop her up. Indeed life was deadly…yet peaceful. Then, three weeks ago, Megatron disappeared. My room mate said she may have crawled somewhere to die, or she might have gotten outside and died, or she might have run away…and died. But I know what happened. Megatron is on her life mission, her brave little toaster esque’ life mission full of adventure, enemies and friendly yet misunderstood vacuum cleaners in need of a friend. So now on this day of recognition, I say good bye and good luck to you Megatron. May you destroy communism or re-build it, whatever your small heart desires. Just know that I am there for you and that a small bowl of seeds and dried corn have been set between two candles in the chance of your momentous return.
However, I did throw out your cage. Thing smelled like shit.
On another note. Jon Wellington will be presenting his very own web show every Monday night at 10 p.m. Eastern Standard Tyme! It will be hosted on Mogulus.com. To watch simply go to this address: www.mogulus.com/improvcomedy
Hope to see you there! Monday night @ 10 p.m.
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