| THE TORCH BABY! |
7/29/2003 |
by Jon
Dear Captain Planet,
This is bullshit! You want to be angry about the war in Iraq, GO AHEAD. You want to be pissed at millions of fish getting killed in the ocean by oil tankers and horrible sea monsters, FINE, ride whatever boat takes you to your happy island. But me, oh man I am pissed all right, but not about any of the other bullshit everyone else is complaining about, no no no. This is real, this menacing problem crawls in the bowels of American TV culture. This is not just a travesty, this is ….uhhhh…hmmm…..is a no good thing. I was indulging in a lemonade and watching TV when I fell upon one hell of a show, lost from my childhood but back to preach, the good old adventures of Captain Planet. For years of my life Captain Planet was my (expletive) hero. You would bust out of earths gooey womb and shed down ultimate recyclable pain upon no-gooders known to us as the Eco-Villains. In any particular episode a ruthless villain perhaps Dr. Blight, Looten Plunder, or my personal favorite Bob “fern fighter” Thompson. Would be hurting the earth somehow, possibly by yelling at a volcano or pouring oil on puppies. Just when we think these horrible things could not get anymore dastardly. Five young teenage heroes full of angst and their love of weed, and multiculturalism, would come in and try to stop the horrible enemy any way they knew how. And so after a few minutes of asking nicely they would once again be reminded that they were powerless against, well everything really. So every episode they would be forced to use their magical rings; Kwame with his ability to control the earth, Linka with her power to use wind, Gi with the ability to use water to do crap with. Wheeler, who definitely had the coolest power, being able to control fire (coincidence he was the white surfer dude from cali?). And then poor old Ma-Ti, who had hands down the most stupid useless power known to man…..Heart. Not only does this kid have to deal with having a hyphen in his name, not only does he have to be the last one in line to shout his useless power, not only the one who gets stuck cleaning up all the pet monkey shit. Then you, Captain Planet, on top of all that give him the power that can’t do shit. You face a water monster, you get wheeler and fire, a horrible run-amuck giraffe of some sort, you call Kwame and his ability to use earth or whatever. If a fire is out of control and Smokey the bear can’t handle it, you get Gi or Linka to use wind and water. “Oh my god guys look a depressed teenager, what will we do?” I spent hours thinking of what Ma-Ti could fight, and this was my best one, next to him being able to repair broken Easter candy. Through all this embarrassment he stuck it out, the short little South American kid taking orders from the other four, who can at least go back and get freaky with each other after they save some bush’s and rocks. All Ma-Ti got is his damn monkey, talk about a fifth wheel. Besides my belief that the earth is actually an evil killing machine, I believe that we all have been lead astray by a man that we all thought we could trust. All this time we were brainwashed by you CP, and that weird lady, Gaia, that one who looks like storm from X-men, “Gaia” Pronounced “Guy-uhhhh”. My point is Captain Planet; you’re an asshole, a really big asshole. Mistreating Ma-ti like that, leading him on to think he actually makes a difference, that if he just waits, he’ll find a girl. Think about it! If you were a girl would you want someone who could light your car on fire or a person who could tell you what a good painter you are? I know whom I would choose. THE TORCH BABY.
In conclusion I just wanted to say you’re a dick. Here is my 10 dollars to re-new my membership to your Planeteers club. I look forward to my new calendar full of eco tips and pictures of trees smiling and bees having sex.
Sincerely yours, Jon Wellington Planeteer #56278941256 Gamma Chapter
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