| Dear Rainbow |
8/6/2003 |
by Jon
Greetings,
For thousands and thousands of years and I’m sure a couple months or two. Weather has plagued our world. Rain, snow, sleet, ice, sunny D, purple stuff. All attacking us when we need it the least which, ironically, is everyday. But no matter what torture light wind or tornadoes might bring us, there is always something to look forward too, just after a light rain or “sun shower” (I am assuming that the sun is also pissing on us like God as I learned as a child) there is always a little prize. Off in the distance, so far away yet seemingly on the end of your tippy fingers, the beautiful, the majestic, the glorifying Rainbow. A fantastic mix of lively colors twined together in a perfect arc, seeming to come from nowhere and end with the same fate. There isn’t a soul on earth whose heart has not been in someway charmed by such an amazing phantasm. Though through all of this we as a human race have forgotten one deep and truthful thing; the rainbow………is an asshole.
Yeah that’s right Mr. Rainbow, bite me. I don’t want to hear your guff, you’re a dick. Period (.) You know when I was a kid everybody told me that at the end of the rainbow there is the biggest Kit Kat Bar known to man. So being a child infected with”waferitus” I set out to find the end of the rainbow. I had walked around my yard 17 times before it started to rain, then I made camp and waited, waited for my prey to rear it’s gruesome head into the open. For my pouncing hormones where on high alert. Ready to strike. After an hour or so the rain ceased, I poked my head out from my lean-too and just beyond the trees, hidden by only a few random branches, was the bitch. I grabbed my newly invented rainbow catching rope and bucket (patent Pending) and slowly crept towards my goal. After a little while I noticed that I was not getting any closer, and worst of all rainbow seemed too be fading, I abandoned my combat skills and made a mad dash for the ribbon of light. I ran faster that any boy ever did since the creation of lucky charms. I made my way to a clearing and looked around, it was a few moments before I found my spot. Some 300 yards right at the end of the field lay the rainbows end.
I booked it.
It was starting to fade and I pumped my legs harder and harder, the rainbow started to fade and lift off the ground but nothing was going to keep me from my giant Kit Kat. I dove for it and just as it squeaked upward I did it, I caught the end of the rainbow. As I hurdled to the ground I kept a firm grasp on my prize. The rainbow hit the ground with a thud and I fell back off of it. I sat up and looked at the ground. There before my eyes, lay quite a surprise, but not the surprise I had intended, for sitting there was a giant shining pot of gold. YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! Where’s my GOD DAMN GIANT KIT KAT BAR. It was nowhere; I looked behind the pot, around the pot, and in the pot. Now where, no kit Kat bar, no candy, no nothing, just a huge pot of gold, which I estimated at between 50 and 150 bajilion dollars. Needless to say I was pretty expletively pissed. After this amazing pursuit and capture, I am left with nothing I can plausibly use. I waited another 17 hours for my kit Kat to arrive. It never did. I decided that I better go home and rethink my plan, I got up and left. But before I went back into the woods I turned for one last glance at my place of triumph but bitter loss. The rainbow was gone, but I swear I smelled that Kit Kat bar in the air and I know that the wind at that moment sounded very much like laughter.
I know you took my Kit Kat bar from me rainbow. You and all the mystery and joy you posses is nothing compared to the rage I harbored as a child towards you and which now shows in my horrible addiction to soy sauce. You robbed me you worthless pile of bendable light, If I were a smarter man I might even assume you are just chemicals in the sky mixed together for the sole purpose of driving me mad. If you think your safe Rainbow, think again. I am back in training and this time I will never quit, I will be on your ass every day for the rest of my life until you deliver me one giant kit Kat bar, full with the logo imprinted on the chocolate. I caught you once, and I swear I will catch you again.
So in conclusion, Rainbow you’re a dick. Be weary and watch behind you, because when I find the end of you, it will be just that.
You know, the end.
Of you.
Best Wishes,
Jon Wellington
The d.a.
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