by Jon
There are some places that you just don’t go. Some Hallways you just don’t turn the light on in. Some hot dogs you just don’t eat. They’re too dangerous, there’s too many explosive devices set to trigger if this one hot button is pushed. Race, Religion, gender equality, these are just a few of the myriad of hot issues…and the list is growing.
Then there are those buttons that contain so much hotness that they are not even acknowledged to exist. It is into these depths, the true “Mordor” of topical humor that I suggest we venture to today. In this realm there are only a few issues, they contain known and unknown topics. Recent Murders and 9/11 are two examples.
But I believe there is something worse, much much much worse. The never treaded waters of Rape humor.
Rape humor is a subject that even the most respected and veteran of speakers will avoid like death. And why shouldn’t they, there is nothing on this planet that people like to do more than judge other people, and rape certainly gives them fuel. Rape humor, unlike any other humor on the planet is something the entire world will stand behind and say is wrong…mainly because Rape itself is very very wrong, but also because people are pussies and they are begging for that easy decision, and there is no easier decision on earth than deciding Rape is wrong. Unless you yourself are a Rapist, then the lines apparently get hazy.
But assuming there are less pro-rapists than anti-rapists it is safe to assume that the majority will find your attempt at raping humor unacceptable, and on top of that you will have said the word rape. So you will have pretty much lost all accreditation and the evening will be lost to you…unless you’re a rapist then that party really begins I suppose.
Regardless of the history of Rape humor or the many warnings that it is neither funny nor tolerated, we are charging the dark depths of joke making and it is important for us to expand our knowledge in every direction. I suggest trying out simple rape humor in small doses. For example, if you see someone over indulging chips and salsa at a Mexican restaurant, instead of saying; “Hey buddy, slow down.” You might try “Whoa buddy, stop raping that salsa.” If you’re driving in a car and someone almost side swipes you, you may choose to say; “God, almost got raped there!” Or even joking at Christmas time with a sibling, instead of a comical “I will slap you in the mouth!” one could use “I will rape you repeatedly!”
Here are some everyday examples…
Kick the ball! = Rape the ball!
That banana looks ripe = That banana looks rape
Do you mind giving me a table spoon of salt? = Would you please rape that salt and give me what is left over.
Don’t taze me bro! = Don’t rape me bro!
Can I have a donut? = Can I have a donut…..raped?
It really is wide open when you’re willing to take all the worry out of the subject. Granted the word Rape will still mean the same no matter what context, but people should praise you for forging new roads and being clever more than you may be downgrading the senseless debauchery and tragedy that is in itself; Rape. Don’t be scared, the road to new beginnings is paved with people’s blood and foolish assumptions; here is your chance to be that blood, to be that assumption.
So stay vigil and stay strong friends. Rape can be fun for everyone if you narrow in on someone who you think may enjoy it, start small and simple with them and then when they least expect it, Rape the shit out of them!
wait! WITH HUMOR!
Rape them with humor.
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