Hey there! I know you guy have been reading my blog ever since it was first started back in '96. Man, all I used to ever talk about then was Zelda or Godzilla. Those were the days. Well, we all have to grow up sometime. Anyway I got this free press pass to go to this presidential debate thing. I brought my Gameboy in case I got bored. Oh shit, they're about to start...
9:06pm So Bush said, "The world is better off without Saddam Hussein"... Saddam Hussein and Alien vs. Predator. That movie hated our freedom. I paid $10 for that. That's $10 dollars that America has lost. And America has lost too much already, what with 9/11 and that guy who played Felix on The Odd Couple dying and all. Not the movie. The television show. America knows loss. The world knows loss, and is better off without it.
9:12pm Oh man! Kerry just said something that got me thinking. He said, "You've got to be able to look in the eyes of families and say to those parents, 'I tried to do everything in my power to prevent the loss of your son and daughter.'" That got me thinking that while you're there staring them in the face... YO GOTTA HYPNOTIZE THEM!
9:18pm Bush: "Of course we're after Saddam Hussein -- I mean bin Laden." Or was it Hitler? No, wait... Spiderman! He's the one to blame. That wall-crawler has made a fool out of me and my newspaper for the last time... Parker! Get me those photos! J/K LOL
9:20pm So Bush said that "The biggest disaster that could happen is that we not succeed in Iraq." What about giant robots? Or the fucking zombies?!? Get your head on straight and your priorities right, man. Sheesh.
9:22pm I gotta pee real bad. Wish I hadn't had the Mountain Dew. Fuck I got like, 60 minutes to go. That's almost an hour! Is there a bathroom break written in that Memorandum for Fairness or whatever it's called? Fuck it. I'm going.
9:41pm What I miss?
9:43pm Kerry: "First of all, we all know that in his state of the union message, he told Congress about nuclear materials that didn't exist." That reminds me about this time I was playing Final Fantasy... I think it was FF9. I asked this guy in the village about where the haunted castle was. No! It was FF7. Definitely 7. Anyway. I asked this guy were the castle was cause there was supposed to be some hidden character there that I wanted to join my team. Only this guy totally didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. I guess what I'm saying is that I can relate to Bush in the whole thinking there was WMDs... it was just like that haunted castle. I never found that castle either. Damn...
9:45pm KERRY: "We need to be smarter about how we wage a war on terror. We need to deny them the recruits. We need to deny them the safe havens." But do we need to deny them dessert. It's pudding tonight.
9:48pm KERRY: "We need to rebuild our alliances. I believe that Ronald Reagan, John Kennedy, and the others did that more effectively, and I'm going to try to follow in their footsteps..." Bam! Stealing the Reagan card out from under Bush. +1 Attack for Kerry! Check your armor class, Bush! LOL!
Shit... I'm hungry.
9:50pm KERRY: "I've met kids in Ohio, parents in Wisconsin places, Iowa, where they're going out on the Internet to get the state-of-the-art body gear to send to their kids. Some of them got them for a birthday present." I would have preferred cake. Or a Playboy.
9:52pm BUSH: "Of course we're doing everything we can to protect America. I wake up every day thinking about how best to protect America." That and a huge president sized boner. ZING!
9:55pm BUSH: "I know in the long term a free Iraq, a free Afghanistan, will set such a powerful example in a part of the world that's desperate for freedom. It will help change the world; that we can look back and say we did our duty." Heh, heh... he said doody. (sigh)
10:04pm KERRY: "Secretary of State Colin Powell told this president the Pottery barn rule: If you break it you fix it." Did he also told him about the 10 minute rule? Cause I dropped my twizzler and it looks oh so good down there.
10:08pm KERRY: "When you guard the oil ministry, but you don't guard the nuclear facilities, the message to a lot of people is maybe, wow, maybe they're interested in our oil." Or possibly they're there's scary radioactive monsters at those nuclear facilities. Ever think about that?
10:11pm BUSH: I admire Senator Kerry's service to our country. I admire the fact that he is a great dad. I appreciate the fact that his daughters have been so kind to my daughters in what has been a pretty hard experience for, I guess, young girls, seeing their dads out there campaigning...
KERRY: "Well, first of all, I appreciate enormously the personal comments the president just made... And so I acknowledge that his daughters -- I've watched them. I've chuckled a few times at some of their comments."
(LAUGHTER) "And..." BUSH: "I'm trying to put a leash on them."
(LAUGHTER) KERRY: "Well, I know. I've learned not to do that. The hard way. (LAUGHTER) And I have great respect and admiration for his wife. I think she's a terrific person..."
BUSH: "Thank you. "
KERRY:" ... and a great first lady"
[Jesus. Are they gonna fuck?]
10:20pm-10:30pm Got bored and I played my Gameboy.
So what did I learn from watching this, the first Presidential Debate? Who do I think won? I think that Bush looked like he was eating mouthfuls of Sourpatch Kids. Kerry is one tall fuck. And the winner? Samus form Metroid. That little lady has saved the day more times than I can remember. Dude, if Samus ran for President I would totally vote for her. Even if she is a girl.