"The Greatest American Hero: Year One" (WB)

Coming on the heels of Smallville’s success, this 80s Superman rip-off gets the prequel hullabaloo and follows our red afroed Greatest American Hero (check Guiness if you don’t believe me), Ralph Hanley, during his high school years. However, since the original show began with Hanley first discovering the alien suit that gave him his powers, there’s not too much going on in this precursor show. Seriously, not a damn thing happens. Hanley’s a red headed wormy Richard Simmons look-alike that doesn’t have any friends and keeps talking about how he wishes he would one day find an "alien space suit" that would give him special powers. Richard Simmon’s son, Sparkles, plays the young Ralph Hanley.

"Critically Acclaimed HBO Drama on Sunday Nights" (HBO)

This show has already won 10 Emmys...in the future! Critics are calling it the greatest Emmy winning show ever created...and no one’s seen it! It’s so extraordinary, you don’t even need to know what it’s about. NOT IMPORTANT. The only thing that matters is how many critics love it...and they do! In fact, you don’t even have to watch it. Watching it would simply diminish its critical acclaim. Stop talking about it! Don’t speak of this show again. It’s too brilliant for mere words and letters to capture. Behold its televised glory!

"Paradise Bus Stop" (FOX)

In this new reality show, 10 hot nubile pedestrians are forced to either "shack up or check out." (They can also go to a different bus stop.)

"Temptation Burn Ward" (FOX)

If you thought "Temptation Island" was hot, wait ‘til you see "Temptation Burn Ward." The contestants in this reality show are so hot, they’re literally on fire! Seriously though, everyone will be set on fire and burned pretty badly. This show promises to push the limits of reality programming with plenty of shots of scantily clad (and horribly disfigured) men and women looking for love...and extra aloe lotion for their third degree burns.

"The Amazing Race 5" (CBS)

Just when you thought we couldn’t add any more twists! Quadriplegics and amputees race from one end of a high school gym to the other, dragging themselves with only their tongues. Let’s hope they can finish by the end of the goddamn season.

"Queer Eye for the Homeless Guy" (Bravo)

The first spin-off of the hit make over show gives the Fab Five treatment to crazy and disgruntled homeless men. Watch as they trade in outdated soiled duds for a sleek Armani garbage bag wardrobe! Ooh as they teach a vagrant how to construct a fabulous rat/pigeon raw bar! And exclaim (!) wildly as they toss out the dirty cardboard mattress for a deluxe Crate & Barrel Canopy bed composed entirely of old newspapers and New Yorker magazines! In addition, the culture critic, Jai, shows the homeless man how to politely shit in public.