| Whenever I get nervous, I imagine myself nude | 9/12/2007 |
by Tom
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The Darkside of Imagined Nudity
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I can’t tell you how many times, when faced with a difficult situation, that I imagine myself nude and the nervousness just vanishes. As a cool and level headed nerve-free individual, it’s a gift I’ve perfected and I’d like to pass it on to you.
There are many benefits to imagining one’s self nude. First of all, it immediately makes you better than the surrounding people. One moment you’re all equals and the next you’re a Nude Golden God surrounded by scared “clothes wearers.” You’re footloose and fancy free while these other losers are hiding behind their GAP jeans and Old Navy fleece pullovers and cowboy hats! Also, now that you are free and clear, you can imagine that everyone else in your vicinity (or “nude zone”) is checking out “your goods” (read: genitals). You can imagine all the many splendid thoughts they could be having in their head, detailed in the list below:
-“That’s what I call nudity!”
-“I envy this nude person's obvious lack of body image issues and tremendous self confidence. In the future, I shall strive to be more like this nameless nude person.”
-“Wow. That guy is totally nude, dude.”
-“I am such a coward for hiding behind these slacks. I wish I had the courage to tear down my own Wall of Clothing much like Reagan tore down the Berlin Wall.”
-“Those are some Grade A genitals!”
However, just as there is a bright side to imagining yourself nude, there is, unseen by most, an underworld, a place that is just as real, but not as brightly lit...a Darkside. Here’s a list of some anxiety ridden situations where it might be best NOT to imagine yourself nude (there are exactly two):
An auto body shop - Mechanics are widely known as thieving crooks that will stop at nothing to over-charge, low-ball, bait-and-switch, cold-call, and pyramid scheme you. It can be a nerve wracking situation when they tell you that your simple oil change has now turned into a full blown “wiper fluid re-fill.” It’s one of the oldest tricks in the shyster mechanic book! But how do you say no to their obvious money milking scam? These filthy cold hearted thugs won’t take kindly to some shill saying “no.” Plus they’re blue collar which means they feel an automatic sadism and ruthlessness towards all people not smeared in tar or dressed in jumpsuits. Your first instinct will be to imagine yourself nude, but you MUST resist the temptation. If you imagine yourself nude and then imagine the mechanics looking at you nude, you’ll only make things worse since you’ll imagine the mechanics thinking about taking advantage of you even more. Instead of respect and admiration, mechanics will rip into you with a viciousness usually reserved for their roasted chicken dinners! Mechanics loathe public nudity almost as much as they do “Frasier”! You’ll immediately feel remorse and regret over your misguided imagined nudity. But it will be too late since the rabid grease monkeys will have already pounced and devoured your shame and humiliation like a vulture ripping into a carcass! Plus, they might overcharge you for the wiper fluid.
A family barbeque - 96% of everyone hates their family and relatives. This is a fact reported in print somewhere. And everyone knows that family gatherings, especially barbeques, generate the largest amount of unbridled seething family hatred. So you might think of this as a perfect occasion to unlocking the door to “nudity imagination.” Right? WRONG! For one thing, since it’s a barbeque, you’ll most likely be holding a flimsy paper plate full of hotdogs and potato salad. Now imagine yourself nude and holding that food…not a pretty sight, huh? There’s no elegance or civility to eating potato salad nude while standing around (sitting maybe, but definitely not standing). And where the hell are you supposed to put the napkin you shoved into your pants pocket? Why, what happened to that napkin?! IT’S GONE! Ya know why? Because you had the bright idea to take off all your clothes and parade around your family holding hotdogs and deviled eggs. Now, your face is all covered in mustard and you’ve got bits of corn stuck in your hair! And guess what, genius? There’s no napkin to wipe your goddamn face! You look like a gross pants-less jagoff now! You're a fucking laughingstock and there's no escape!
It also might not be the best idea since it’s a little gross to be imagining your family ogling your “nude business.” It has the potential to be more than a little awkward. I don’t care what literature you’ve read on the contrary, the cons definitely out way the pros on this one. Take it from me, a Professional Nudity Imagineer!
And that’s all there is to it. Once you get the hang of this imagining-yourself-nude thing, you’ll be doing it all the time: getting groceries, picking your kids up from school, watching “According to Jim” re-runs, and showering. Be safe and enjoy my gift to you!
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