| Foreign Travel Tips | 12/10/2003 |
by Tommer
With the advent of airplanes and horse-less cruise ships, foreign travel is sweeping the country. Whether it’s Tokyo, Paris, or the Canadian side of Niagara Falls, people can’t seem to get enough of traveling to strange and fantastical foreign countries. Here are some helpful tips to help you when traveling outside the tiny atoll of America.
To avoid any language barrier problems, pack your own subtitles.
If possible, vacation with Chevy Chase. Comical exploits are bound to ensue!
Have a good sense of adventure. Meet a femme fatale that entangles you in a web of international intrigue and betrayal. Then, have your story made into a direct to video erotic thriller.
Getting your body adjusted to a different time zone can be an arduous process. Never go to sleep.
Be prepared to rough it if traveling to a rural region. You may need to forego wiping.
A country’s native language may sound odd or vexing. Just babble incoherently while waving your arms and you’ll do fine.
Why go to Europe when you can let Europe come to you? Simply wait millions of years for continental drifting to occur and every country will be within walking distance. [Warning: you will be dead by this time.]
Contrary to popular belief, Schenectady, New York is not a foreign country.
Be sure to bring sturdy and durable luggage. You may need to double bag that Hefty!
If you receive any bills with a picture of a mustachioed gentleman wearing a top hat, your money may have been exchanged incorrectly. Go to the Bank or Community Chest for help.
Travel light. Bring only creams and ointments when walking about.
If traveling to Mexico, avoid drinking the water. Run away screaming if water is visible.
Befriend a wisecracking Asian youth if you stumble upon any temples of doom. However, if he cracks wise too much, you may need to show him the back of your hand a few times.
Discover a humorous manner for displaying your culture shock. A spit-take or clumsy pratfall will suffice.
If you are a fictional TV sit-com character, travel during the months of network sweeps (November, February, and May) to maximize your audience share and win the coveted 18-35 year old demographic.
If in France, do something farcical.
Experiment with the local cuisine. You may actually tolerate it.
Find a remote village, declare yourself ruler, and let your mind settle into a malaise of insanity and sheer terror.
Foreign travel requires a thirst for knowledge and cultural growth. You shouldn’t go.
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